Man About Murfreesboro - blog - funny - politics

I owe my mother-in-law an apology. In the last post in implied that she was afraid of getting injured on escalators. This is not the case. She has occasional bouts of vertigo and the moving staircase presents a problem for her. So, while the idea that a grown woman is afraid of escalators is funny, to me. It doesn't actually apply to my mother-in-law.

I sometimes write about my family in ways that can be more entertaining than truthful. While I never intend to hurt any of their feelings (and I don't know if I did in this case), everyone should know that my family is very important to me and I would never intentionally hold any of them up for ridicule.

But I wouldn't do it to Fran. She's very sensitive. My theory is that, as an only child, she didn't have siblings to desensitize her to the joys of good-natured ribbing.

Or maybe I'm just a jerk. I can never keep that straight. Anyhoo, yesterday was Fran's birthday and I shouldn't have poked fun at her. I'm sorry. For the record, I'm scared of Bigfoot, Max is frightened of alien abduction, Dollie is frightened of snakes, Rozzy is afraid of the dark and President Bush is afraid of horses.

"Mike," she said. "You're marrying my only daughter and I love you like my own son. But if you ever make fun of me in public, I'll skin you to make gesso."

The Pentagon admited yesterday that there are $6 billion (with a "B") in defense contracts that are under criminal investigation. That doesn't include the $88 billion that are being audited for financial irregularities. It may be easier just to list the the contracts that are legitimate.

There has been a lot of brouhaha over the MoveOn.org ad in the NYT. The ad, which you can see here. Titled "General Petraeus or General Betray Us?" the ad asks the question will the general tell the truth about what's going on in Iraq or will he cook the books to give the White House political cover?

To be clear, MoveOn.org is an independent organization and not a part of the Democratic Party. So, when the Republicans called for Dems to denounce the ad, the Dems were right to say "we had nothing to do with it." If you'll recall, that was Cheney's reaction when asked to condemn the Swiftboat ads that called Sen. John Kerry's service into question.

The Senate passed a meaningless resolution saying they support Gen. Patraeus. A bunch of Dems and all the Republicans voted for it. While the resolution didn't mention the ad or MoveOn.org, both were certainly the target.

Here's the thing. We still have free speech in this country. We have the right to speak out.

Rudy Guilianni may want to jail the leaders of MoveOn.org, but in America, that shouldn't happen. Even in George Bush's America ("Don't taze me, bro!).

It is ridiculous that, with all the issues flying about that require our attention, the Republicans cannot get passed an ad that ran for a single issue more than a week ago.

An old college buddy of mine is on the cover of the Nashville Scene this week. I went to college with Jonathan Shockley, who plays "Dunlap" on "Red State Update." He appears, naked, wrapped in the Tennessee State flag, pinching his nipple.

Some of these I do for me and some of these I do for my friends. This one is for Roy and Steve:

Yesterday after a client meeting, I got a voicemail from Dollie. "Call me when you get this." Man, that is never good. So, I braced myself and called.

MIKE:
You did? Why did you get a yellow?

ROZZY:
I don't know.

MIKE:
What did you do?

ROZZY:
My teacher wrote a note in my agenda.

MIKE:
What does the note say?

ROZZY:
I don't know. I can't read.

MAX:
Papa?

MIKE:
Hello, Max.

MAX:
I know what Rozzy did.

MIKE:
You do?

MAX:
She wouldn't sit down when the teacher told her to.

MIKE:
Ah.

DOLLIE:
The note says she kept telling the teacher over and over that she wanted to move her clip.

MIKE:
Hmmm.

Dollie's theory is that we spend so much time joking about the fact that Rozzy is such a well-behaved student at school and a tiny terror at home, that maybe she was looking to get into trouble. She also said she knew something had gone wrong from the way Rozzy looked in the pick-up line at school.

My theory is that she'd seen the attention other kids got when they moved their clips and she wanted a taste. Either way, she wrote her teacher a note apologizing and when I took them to the school's bookfair last night she hugged her teacher and said she was sorry.

My mother-in-law reads this blog, so I have to be careful here. But I read a story which I believe she'll find interesting. Fran doesn't like escalators. They make her nervous. I don't know the basis of the fear, but it has something to do with getting caught at the end and being injured.

Dollie and I find that a little funny because neither of us had ever heard of anyone ever getting injured by getting stuck in the works of an escalator.

Until now.

	Four-year-old Rory McDermott got a Croc-clad foot caught in an escalator last month at a mall in northern Virginia. His mother managed to yank him free, but the nail on his big toe was almost completely ripped off, causing heavy bleeding. At first, Rory's mother had no idea what caused the boy's foot to get caught. It was only later, when someone at the hospital remarked on Rory's shoes, that she began to suspect the Crocs and did an Internet search. "I came home and typed in 'Croc' and 'escalator,' and all these stories came up," said Jodi McDermott, of Vienna, Va. "If I had known, those would never have been worn."

Looking back through the notes I wrote myself in my Sidekick, I found one titled "Political Prediction." It was a note composed on Nov. 23, 2005 in which Badger and I predicted who would be at the top of the presidential tickets. It says:

Badger: Hillary vs. McCain

Mike: Gore vs. Frist

As you can see, I've been more wrong before, but I don't recall when. The Gore vs. Frist election would have been awsome, though, because it would have been a battle of Tennesseans. Perhaps it could decide once and for all whether the name of the state is pronounced "Tenn-uh-SEE" or " TENN-uh-see."

Today is "International Talk Like a Pirate Day." I'm unsure as to why this seems to fall more often than once, per year, but I'll include one of my favorite pirate jokes:

Q: What's a pirate's favorite restaurant?
A: Arrrrrr-by's
Q: You'd think so, but no. It's Long John Silvers.

Late update: I just got a call from Rozzy. She got a red today. She said that, while her teacher was trying to give a test to a student that was out before, Rozzy and another girl pulled all the stuff out of the "ABC Center" and "made a big mess." She also insisted that her clip be moved twice.

Oh, and Max got an "OT" in his agenda, signifying "off task" because, "after an hour and a half I was only on No. 2 of task four." I don't know what that means exactly, but neither of them are watching TV or playing on the computer tonight.

Looking back on it, I'm extremely glad there were no student agendas for me to take home each day to get signed. That would have been disasterous for me, as I screwed up so much and so often in grade school that the teacher would have run out of room to write. And my punishments were much more painful than loss of television.

I continue to be amazed at the hypocrisy of the Republican senate. Sen. David Vitter admits to seeing a prostitute and gets a standing ovation. A prosecution witness testifies that he bribed Sen. Ted Stevens by remodeling his house and not a peep out of anyone. Sen. Larry Craig pleads guilty to a misdemeanor and they want him cast out and fed to the wolves.

More details have emerged in the arrest of State Rep. Briley (D-DUI). While I mentioned last time that I don't pay much attention to local politics, his antics have now made national news. It seems that, during his arrest, he accused an officer of being a Nazi and began singing "Springtime for Hitler" from "The Producers."

That's it. When facing a DUI and hit-and-run charge, cursing and calling the cop a Nazi is the way to go.

His arrest, by the way, is on video. And never let it be said I ignore the scandals of Democrats.

Popular Mechanics published a list of 25 things every man should know how to do. I'm afraid of how I stack up:

1. Patch a radiator hose [done it]
2. Protect your computer [done it]
3. Rescue a boater who as capsized [learned it in the Scouts]
4. Frame a wall [No clue]
5. Retouch digital photos [done it]
6. Back up a trailer [in theory, yes]
7. Build a campfire [learned it in the Scouts]
8. Fix a dead outlet [done it]
9. Navigate with a map and compass [learned it in the Scouts]
10. Use a torque wrench [done it]
11. Sharpen a knife [learned it in the Scouts]
12. Perform CPR [learned it in the Scouts]
13. Fillet a fish [in theory]
14. Maneuver a car out of a skid [done it]
15. Get a car unstuck [done it]
16. Back up data [done it]
17. Paint a room [done it]
18. Mix concrete [just the ready mix stuff, does that count?]
19. Clean a bolt-action rifle [no clue]
20. Change oil and filter [in theory]
21. Hook up an HDTV [done it]
22. Bleed brakes [no clue]
23. Paddle a canoe [learned it in the Scouts]
24. Fix a bike flat [done it]
25. Extend your wireless network [done it]

Not too shabby. I've done 18 (of which I learned the skills of six in the Scouts); could probably figure out three others, leaving one ambiguous answer and only three that I have no clue about.

The new fall season is gearing up and I'm looking forward to it. It's my first new TV season in HDTV. I'd make all kinds of predictions about which shows will last and which ones will suck, but I'm nearly always wrong.

Pushing Daisies: A show about a guy who solves murders by bringing people back to life long enough for them to identify their killer. Count me in.

Reaper: It's got that guy from "The Loop" in it, so I'll watch it for the half dozen episodes it lasts.

Journeyman: An investigative reporter solves mysteries by going back in time? I liked it when I saw it on BBC American and it was called "Life on Mars" so why not?

New Amsterdam: A cop who solves mysteries using his unique perspective as a guy who can't be killed and has been around New York since before it was . . . New Amsterdam.

The Big Bang: geeks making particle physics jokes to impress a hot blonde neighbor. I'm in, just to see how much of it I can understand.

I'm sure there will be others to add to the list. But I'm blanking. Fortunately, I have a DVR so I don't actually have to remember my TV schedule anymore.

Today is Dollie's birthday. I hope today's is better than it was six years ago. She was home with a 3-year-old little Max trying to explain why, despite it being her birthday, she was very very sad. Each year since, the entire country has marked this date in some somber fashion. Dollie usually has a media blackout so she doesn't have to be reminded every year on what should be a happy day.

In New York, first responders are taking shifts reading the names of the dead. The media will be drenched in anniversary news. I quick Google search shows that a lot of people with birthdays today are in the same boat.

The kids and I gave her cards this morning and wished her well. We'll put off the celebration until this weekend.

In truth, I don't pay much attention to the state lege here in Tennessee. This is stupid because they have way more influence over my life than the feds, but I just don't find it as interesting. But when you read a headline like "State Rep. Briley charged with DUI, vandalism" you tend to pay attention.

Briley is part of a huge political family with deep roots in Nashville governance. There is a history of scandal and this is just the latest chapter. Last weekend, he got drunk, hit another car while driving his SUV, drove away, was stopped by the cops and arrested and kicked the window out of a patrol car. The arrest report shows that a lobbyist (and his girlfriend) got him released.

The Tennessean story doesn't mention that he's a Democrat – a fact that some commentors say is proof of a liberal bias. In defense of the Tennessean, the story mentions in the first paragraph that he is chair of the House Judiciary Committee and the AP Stylebook says you don't need to mention party affiliation if the story makes it clear without it. If you understand that the Democrats have the majority in the House, then you know his affiliation.

Then again, that sort of thing is only important to those who like to make broad political attacks in which the affiliation of a single member can by used to muddy an entire party.

I have a buddy who works in the legislature who occasionally feeds me the inside scoop. I got an email today:

Dolls and I watched "Perfume: The Story of a Murderer" over the weekend. We'd both read the novel and I've been looking forward to the film for ages. It was considered for the longest time to be unfilmable because it deals with odor. As you can imagine, that's not an easy subject to portray on the screen.

It is, of course, not for everyone. For one thing, it is set in France in the 1700s. For another, the main character is a repulsive, creepy weirdo obsessed with discovering how to preserve the scents of things. You have to want it, is what I'm saying.

The novel was a reading assignment in an undergrad English class called "Horror and Gothic Literature." I read it through in a not much more than a single sitting. It was gripping. The author, Patrick Süskind, hasn't written another novel. He's got a novella or two and a stage play under his belt. But he basically lives out his days in Munich and shuns the press.

Fox News gave Patreus a screen, loaded up his charts and turned him loose to say whatever he wanted.

This is how low Fox has stooped. They aren't even bothering to be a White House transcription service anymore. They're cutting out the middlemen and simply turning the cameras on the Bushies and letting them propagandize. When Hume did say anything it was just a prompt to allow Patreaus and Crocker to delver further into their talking points.

Unbelievable. How can you make any claims to integrity when you refuse to ask the tough questions?

The fact is I get really depressed thinking of how the Democrats are getting ready to give in again and move the goalposts for the Bush administration. They were handed control of both houses with the mandate to end this war and we've been hearing over and over "wait until September."

Now Patreaus wants another six months. Bush wants another $50 billion to tide him over until the next appropriation bill is ready and there are no indications that the Dems will even try to stop it. Can they not see that this is a fight they can win? Can't they understand that no matter what they do Bush and the Republicans will call them soft on national security? Giving in this time will depress the base and supress turnout in November. I mean why freaking bother to vote?

Well that didn't last long. A new website attacking Fred Thompson cropped up. PhoneyFred.org (site is down, but you can see an image of the homepage here) has unflattering photos, jabs at his lobbying career, his many exgirlfriends and his Hollywood career. There is a picture of him in period costume and make up from his performance as Thomas Jefferson in "1776."

These things are only effective if you can keep your hands clean. And, you know, if they're not dumb.

My limited budget requires me to be patient, depending on the technology I fall into either the early or late majority. But we all hit that scale at different places depending on what we're talking about. CDs? I was a late majority. MP3 player? so far I'm a non-adopter in that I don't own one. [Perhaps a link to The Truth will net me one?] Cable TV? Early majority. Cell phone? Late majority. Satellite radio? Early adopter.

All that being said, I knew that I didn't want to buy a first-generation iPhone. Apple has a history of building hype for the new thing and bringing out the improved bigger thing shortly after. So, just three months after the iPhone became available, the 4GB model is being discontinued and the price on the 8GB model is dropping from $600 to $400.

Plus, Jobby has introduced the iPod Touch, which is an iPhone without the phone and 16GB. For a mere $150, you can get the new iPod Nano which will play video downloads and games on a brighter, more pixel-dense screen. The video iPod, which was the object of desire for so many last Christmas is now the iPod "Classic."

The good news for those of us who waited is that we'll be able to get an improved product at a reduced price. Or better yet, pick up a used discontinued model which still has solid functionality for a song. That's how I got both my Color Sidekick and my Sidekick II – used off eBay when the new model came out.

The bad news is that having an early adopter taste and late majority budget, I've created a graveyard of obsolete technology in my office. Though I try to get rid of it, no one is buying or (in the case of my Audrey) it looks too cool to part with.

Two stories crossed my path recently that, when put together, show a much larger picture of what's going on. The first was about an excerpt from Robert Draper's new book about the Bush presidency called Dead Certain. He says that Bush still believed that Saddam Hussein had WMDs as late as April 2006.

The second is from Salon, which posted an exclusive interview with two former CIA officers who say that former CIA Director George Tenet told Bush that Iraq had no WMDs.

The article goes on to talk about how the information was never given to Colin Powell or included in the NIE that Congress used when they voted to authorize military action in Iraq. The information was also verified by French intelligence who were tapping the phones of Hussein's foreign minister. It was dismissed by Bush as . . . well . . . French and therefore just an effort to undermine the war.

The intelligence was also excluded from the information Bush sent to Blair, leading to Great Britain entering the war in Iraq and Blair's ouster as PM.

I picture people filing into the Oval Office telling Bush that there are not WMDs and Bush yelling "That's just what Hussein WANTS me to think, but I'm WAAAAAAY too smart for that."

And there are some people out there (I'm looking at you, Hannity) who still believe there were WMDs in Iraq prior to the invasion.

Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) is doing his best to keep his story in the news. An aide now says that, since the ethics committee refuses to drop the matter, he'll probably go ahead and resign.

In other Craig family news, his daughter recently went on national TV to defend his heterosexuality. Problem is, she has an outstanding arrest warrant.

I'm really enjoying "Mad Men" on AMC. The series have been well-received, but I was oblivious to it until about a week ago – seven weeks into the series. I had the DVR record the 7th episode and, over Labor Day weekend, AMC played them all in a marathon. So I'm just about caught up.

It takes place in 1960 in a New York advertising firm and while the story is compelling and the acting is wonderful, the real draw for me is the richness of the textures and how foreign the attitudes of the characters seem to me today.

Everyone is smoking and drinking all the time. People put cigarettes on little trays and serve them with cocktails. In one scene, Betty, the wife of the firm's creative director, is sitting in her suburban home with her friend Francine (who is pregnant, smoking and drinking).

Betty's kids come running into the kitchen playing "Space man." The daughter has a drycleaning bag pulled down over her body. Betty yells at her to "come here this instant" and says that if the clothes that were in that bag are on the floor of her closet, the little girl is in big trouble.

The way women are treated and portrayed is fascinating. I grew up during the tail end of the struggle for equality (which continues, I know) and I watch this show slack-jawed as the secretaries squawk about finding a man and the executives bleat about having sex with the secretaries.

The dialogue is crisp, the sets are amazing and the entire series has a quality hard to find on TV today.

This is getting to be too much. Since I began dieting, I've taken to eating a lot of microwave popcorn. It's a whole grain with lots of fiber and if you can get the stuff that's lowfat, it can be a healthy snack. Now I read that it can also kill you.

Evidently breathing in the fumes from a bag of microwave popcorn can give you "popcorn lung." Well that's just great.

When I got home from work yesterday, Rozzy asked if we were going out to dinner. Dolls was in class, I had the kids and Rozzy was eager to exercise her right to pick the restaurant on her birthday. I relented and she picked Cracker Barrel. We went and she ordered chicken strips and apple sauce. She finished neither, but it's her birthday, so I let it go.

While checking out, I noticed a familiar face in the crowd. It was Shannon, our Bradley Method instructor and doulah. It was a happy coincidence that we should run into her on Rozzy's 5th birthday as she was there for the 72-hour labor and birth. We said our goodbyes and I took the kids home. She probably gets that a lot – people walking up to her in public wanting to show off their kids.

Each morning as I leave my driveway and head toward the interstate, I pass a couple of senior ladies walking around the block. I wave to them and usually one of them waves back. They seem really happy to be out and moving. But the last week or so, the one who waves to me each morning has been walking alone. The first couple of days I figured it was no big deal, but her friend hasn't joined her in a while now.

Plus, she doesn't wave to me anymore. I think about stopping and asking about her, but I don't want to be presumptuous and besides, when you're out walking, every car is a potential problem and I don't want to add to anyone's anxiety.