Man About Murfreesboro - blog - funny - politics

Last night I had what is commonly known among the stage-trodding folk as "the actor's nightmare." Normally, my dreams are a convoluded mess of symbology and frustration tasks that evaporate about the time the alarm goes off. Only occasionally are they vivid narratives with a clear plot.

The actors nightmare is a simple one: you're about to go on stage for a performance and discover that you do not know your part. You don't know lines, stage directions, choreography . . . nothing. Christopher Durang wrote a play about the phenomenon in which an accountant is pulled onstage to replace an actor who is ill.

In my dream, I have one of the leads in "The Odd Couple." I'm cast as Felix. I should mention here that when I told Dollie about this her reaction was "Hmm. I would have cast you as Oscar." It is the preview night for the show, meaning the night before opening where the cast gets to perform in front of an audience. For all intents and purposes, it is a real show – no calling for lines, all technical cues are in place, running at actual pace, etc. . .

I go out on stage to speak to the audience and welcome them to the show. All this time, I'm aware that I'm about to perform a major role in a play I've never even read. I remain confident because I've seen many episodes of "The Odd Couple" as well as a film adaptation. I guess I figured I'd wing it.

I realize at some point during my address to the audience that my zipper is down. After correcting that situation, I exit the stage and pick up my script for the first time. That's when the panic set in. Everyone else knew what was going on. Everyone else could remember weeks of rehearsal. They knew their lines cold. I had no recollection of ever rehearsing.

I ran to the director (who was my high school drama teacher) to say "I'm not prepared!"

"Hmmm," she replied. "Was the schedule not clear? Tomorrow is opening night, you better make efficient use of your day."

"Didn't anyone notice that I haven't been to a single rehearsal?" I guess not. So I'm on stage, with my script in hand (cleverly hidden behind a newspaper) trying to act. That's when I realized that the script I was reading wasn't highlighted correctly, I kept reading the stage directions out loud.

You get the idea. Mercifully, the alarm went off and ended my misery before act two.

The funniest part for me was that I kept making the same excuse for not being prepared for the play – I was in a production of "Barefoot in the Park" and rehearsal for that was taking up too much time.

My brother Scott and I are participating in the Memory Walk to raise funds for research for Alzheimer's Disease. You may recall that our grandmother was afflicted and eventually died from it. His goal is to raise $500. If you are able to donate to Team Reed, I encourage you to. I have and I've decided to join his team and walk as well.

This morning started like most others: I jumped out of bed five seconds before the alarm clock, did 1,000 crunches, the three Ss, hopped in my Porche and sped off down the coast for an afternoon of bocci with the ambassodor from [BZZZZ BZZZZ BZZZZ BZZZZZ BZZZZZ]

Actually, the last couple of days have been pretty good. Work has been going well, the kids are looking forward to the end of the school year, Dolls' exhibit at Oaklands was well-received. I've got a busy couple of weekends coming up, but overall, things are going great.

But I can't complain, he comes by it honestly. When I was in third grade at Sandusky Elementary School on the outskirts of Birmingham, Ala., I had a music teacher who worked hard to get us all interested in music. We would go to her classroom once a week and sing songs, learn about rhythm, beat, count etc...

I recall one day that she handed out lyrics for a song to several classmates and asked me to come forward and kneel next to the xylophone and accompany the choir. It was a simple tune, two notes played over and over with a count in between. It was fun to be singled out for what was, to my adolescent mind, an honor.

We went through this song in class a few times and went about the rest of our school week.

The next week, we did it again. At the end of class the teacher asked me if I was going to "be there this afternoon." Huh? "The PTA meeting after school today. We're performing the song in the cafeteria." Suddenly, the fact that I played the xylophone on this song meant something more than being singled out in class. It meant responsibility.

Now, if she'd mentioned this before, I don't remember it. But it is likely she did. Regardless, I knew that my mom was going to pick me up from school at 3 p.m. like always.

So, when school let out, I ran to the pickup line and found mom's car. She had my brother Scott with her and was looking for me to jump in the back so she could get moving.

"I've got to stay," I said. "There's a PTA meeting and I'm supposed to play the xylophone."

I don't remember much about the performance other than playing those two notes over and over. But I remember the resigned look on my mother's face as she told me she would park the car and go to the cafeteria. It was no doubt, the same one I had on my face this morning.

I don't watch "American Idol" but I'm familiar with some of the people who have been on the show. Kelly Pickler, for example, is a name I recognize, but I don't think I could pick her out of a line up. I certainly couldn't pick her voice out of a crowd.

I mention her here because recently a photo of what she wore to prom has surfaced. I've been to a lot of proms, but I've never witnessed a dress quite like that.

In May of last year a student at San Diego State Univeristy named Jenny Poliakoff died from an overdose of cocaine and alcohol. This led to a DEA investigation and undercover operation called Sudden Fall. DEA agents went under cover to buy drugs on the campus, in the dorms, at fraternity houses etc. . . They didn't have to even pretend to be students, they just had to show up at parties.

Way to ruin your life, jackass. The story also mentions one student who sent out a mass text message alerting his customers to a cocaine "sale" and listing reduced prices.

My brother dan passed along this bit of election wisdom to everyone in his email addressbook:

What this little parable doesn't say is how those three people became homeless. Were they denied Veteran's benefits? John McCain won't support the G.I. Bill. Do they have mental problems? Reagan cut off funding and turned these people out years ago. Are they unable to get help from social services? The Republicans got rid of the social safety net.

This story is screwy for another reason. Clinton is more conservative than Obama. The Republicans have been painting her as a socialist for soooooo long that they can't get away from that script. The fact of the matter is that, despite the message of this attempt at social commentary, Republicans would be happier with Clinton than Obama in the White House. They don't think so, but it's true.

Finally, I think it would probably go something like this:

McCain, Clinton and Obama walk down the street and see a homeless person a block ahead. McCain crosses the street to avoid the confrontation, grumbling to himself. Clinton and Obama both approach the man and argue over who feels more compassion for him. Eventually, the homeless person dies of boredom just as the Clinton-Obama committee on the homeless submits a 400-page report on the causes of homelessness.

The report, which will offer a solid 1200-point plan for ending the blight of homelessness in our country, will cost $10 billion. McCain quickly runs back across the street in time to block funding because we need the money to maintain operations in Iraq for another three days.

Last weekend when we celebrated Max's birthday, we let him pick where he wanted to eat. He chose Burger King. In fairness, he chose a sit-down restaurant first, but I suspected he did it because he knows his mother and I prefer that over fast food. Every other time we ask him where he wants to eat he says "Burger King" and we say "No."

So when he suggested another place, Red Robin I think. I said "I thought you might pick Burger King." His eyes lit up and he squealed. "Yes! Yes! Burger King!"

So off we went. Now Murfreesboro is a proving ground for restaurant chains. Restaurants in this town open and close nearly every weekend. But we have only one Burger King in all of the city. On this particular day, the line wasn't too long, but it was moving very slowly.

A running joke in our family when the drive-through line is slow is to say that the person in front of us ordered some version of a lamb sandwich – the McLambwich, the CroiLambwich etc... We'd run out of lamb jokes and the line still wasn't moving very well. Dollie and I had decided to just get the kids something there and we'd eat elsewhere.

We finally ordered (the usual cheeseburger for Max, chicken nuggests for Rozzy) and turned the corner to pay. It took nearly 20 minutes for the three cars ahead of us to pay, get their food and leave. The entire time, I complained to my family about how much Burger King sucks. Not Burger King in general, because I think they make a tasty product. No, this particular Burger King.

ME:
I hope you enjoy this trip to Burger King, Max, because it's the last one.

DOLLIE:
Uh oh, I feel a boycot coming on.

MAX:
Why?

ME:
Because this Burger King sucks. Look at how long we have to wait. Why did you pick here? They have cheeseburgers everywhere.

MAX:
. . .

ME:
It was the toy, wasn't it!

MAX:
. . .

ME:
It was! You wanted to come here for the toy! Well, you're 10 now, so you aren't getting fast food toys anymore. (I was pretty much raving at this point). This is ridiculous. How hard is it to take an order, fill an order and keep the line moving?

MAX:
I like Burger King.

ME:
If there was no toy would you have chosen Burger King?

MAX:
no.

ME:
Ah HA!

DOLLIE:
Of course he wants the toy.

ME:
Well, enjoy it because it's the last one!

MAX:
Whah!

DOLLIE:
I wish you would stop making these grand pronouncements.

Speaking of Iron Man, evidently there is something in this movie for everyone. Dollie and I have been invited on a double date by a couple of different friends to see this movie. For the guys it's the guy in armor blowing up tanks. For the ladies, I guess it's Robert Downey Jr.

I'm looking forward to it. Of all the superheroes in all the comics, Iron Man is the most plausible. Sure, Batman is a human with no powers, but the training he supposedly went through is ridiculous. Green Arrow has no powers, but his talent with a bow might as well be super human. No, Iron Man – the soft squishy human in a super-powered candy coating – that could actually happen in my lifetime.

Tony Zirkle is running for Congress in Indianna as a Republican. That is to say he is seeking the Republican nomination. His campaign took a hit recently when he was photographed speaking to a group celebrating Hitler's birthday. His excuse is that a budding politician should speak to any group that invites him. That's a good rule of thumb. But if there is a giant photo of Der Furher on the wall behind the lecturn, you should just turn around and walk back out.

The Democrats are going to snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory if it kills them. This is the strangest and by extension most interesting primary season I've ever seen. While there are those who think all this fuss is doing damage to the party, I disagree. I think it will make the eventual candidate stronger. Plus, if you look at the coverage, the Dems own it all. John McCain can't catch a headline to save his wrinkled old behind.

Pennsylvania gave Clinton the right to stay in the race. No one is calling on her to drop out now. The next two states aren't going to make that big of a difference. It looks like we're going to have an exciting convention – one that will make the Republicans' seem rather tame.

There you have it. Physicians, psychiatrists, OBG-YNs and health researchers all say the same thing: abstinence-only programs do nothing to reduce teen pregnancy, reduce STDs or raise the age in which teens choose to become sexuallty active. In fact, by keeping information away from teenagers who are sexually active, you are increasing the liklihood of unwanted pregnancy and the transmission of STDs.

Nevertheless, the Bush administration (which has funded these programs to the tune of $1.8 billion so far) wants to stay the course. Here's where Rep. Duncan comes in:

When confronted with facts, figures, studies and demonstrable data that doesn't conform with his opinion, he dismisses it and calls the academics elitists? Were I sitting in that chamber, I would have scooted my chair away from Rep. Duncan for fear of being struck by a bolt of irony.

The irony is that conservatives like to skewer the left as being incapable of dealing with facts and logic in favor of doing what feels good. This is a perfect example of the Republicans ignoring the evidence because it just feels better idea to just tell teenagers not to have sex.

Way back in the day when telephones were first being installed in people's homes, no one really knew what to do with them. There weren't that many people with them, so it wasn't all that likely that you'd know someone else with a phone. If you did, there are only so many conversations you could have before you ran out of reasons to call everyone you knew.

One idea that was pitched around was to offer subscriptions to orchestral performances you could hear over your telephone. I was reminded of this fact (a nuggest I remember from a cultural communications studies class in graduate school) when I saw a web ad for a service called Up Snap.

This company offers radio content over your cell phone. At last, a reason to wear your that Blue Tooth earpiece while walking down the sidewalk.

Restoration Hardware is selling the Clue Premier Edition. The board has a non-removable glass top so you can't reach down into the tiny rooms and make it look like a real crime scene, but still, very cool. Maybe not $150 cool, but very cool.

Yesterday was Max's 10th birthday. He'll celebrate it this weekend by having a few of his friends over to play Wii, eat pizza and maybe watch a movie. He spent some of his birthday money on Endless Ocean for the Wii. I keep trying to push him toward games that are for more than one player. The Wii is, after all, a party game. But he had his heart set on Endless Ocean.

This really isn't a game so much as an aquarium. It's a SCUBA simulator. You sail your boat to a point in the sea and dive down to look at fish. That's all well and good, but Max's years of videogame training have taught him that there are dangers lurking around every corner. So, despite the fact that the calm, gentle nature of the game is designed to soothe, he kept looking for the killer shark to grab him and tear him to bits.

During the summer between junior high and high school, I spent several weeks as a staff member Boxwell Reservation, a Boy Scout camp. It provided me with the opportunity to meet a lot of interesting guys, learn some skills that I carry with me to this day and tromp around in the woods during the hottest time of the year.

Among my fellow staffers was a guy named Billy. Billy was a bit of a braggart – one of these guys who was too cool for the Scouts, but really enjoyed being away from home all summer. No matter what you had done or how well you did it, Billy would top you.

Billy was also an accomplished liar. He'd gotten so good at it that I don't think he really realized when he was doing it. I'll give you an example:

One of my proudest accomplishments as a Boy Scout was a trip to the Philmont Scout Ranch in New Mexico. It remains one of the highlights of my boyhood: two weeks of high adventure hiking around the Rocky Mountains. I was able to go thanks to a grant from the Shelbyville Optimist Club, the civic organization that also sponsored my Scout troop.

The trip required a great deal of preparation, including two weekend camping trips to at Boxwell in which we were trained in orienteering, first aid, and wilderness survivial skills. Not every Scout gets to go to Philmont and those of us who do, wear that badge (both metaphorically and physically) with pride.

One day at Boxwell, I was chatting with Billy and the subject of Philmont came up.

I was impressed. What was a once-in-a-lifetime trip for me, was routine for him.

About a week later, one of the other staffers mentioned that a troop that was camping at Boxwell that week was about to go to Philmont. They were looking for anyone who had been there to talk with the Scouts and give them some insight as to what they were going to be up against.

"I've been there," I said. "But if you want an expert, Billy is your guy. He's been there a bunch."

"I've never been to Philmont," he replied. He looked at me like I was crazy for even suggesting it. It was then I realized two things: there are people out there who lie for no reason and the practice makes them really good at it; and when confronted with their lies, they will lie to get out of it.

I bring all this up because my brother Scott asked (in the comments section of the previous post) why I hadn't posted anything about Sen. Clinton's story about dodging sniper fire in Basra. In truth, I didn't post about it because I was too angry to give it justice.

What Sen. Clinton did was stupid. It gave ammunition to her opponents, gave the media a narrative which they are all-to-comfortable employing and left those of us who have yet to pick a candidate with an even-more-difficult choice.

She lied. She didn't "misspeak." Oh, how I detest that term and everyone who uses it. Misspeaking implies that the lie wasn't intentional – that somehow she confused that trip to Basra with some other trip in which she had to rush to the car and skip the welcoming ceremony else she be shot by snipers.

Al Gore misspoke when he suggested during the presidential interview that he'd surveyed flood damage in Texas with FEMA director James Lee Witt. Gore had surveyed other disaster areas with Witt. He'd even surveyed the damage in Texas, but with one of Witt's assistants. Gore misspoke.

Clinton lied. She said she misremembered, but that, again, implies that it must have happened at some point. Otherwise, she's just making stuff up. The Clintons are constantly being accused of being willing to say anything to get elected and this plays right into that. It was dumb. And I don't want another dumb president.

You know, like Sen. McCain. He seems to be running on a single issue: WAR! Huh! Good God, y'all! What is it good for? Absolutely nothin' (except scaring people into electing me president).

He is very, very keen on expanding the war into Iran. So much so that he's "mispoke" on several occasions that al Queda was going into Iran to get training and heading back to Iraq to shoot Americans. Iran is a predominantly Shiite country. Al Queda is a Sunni terrorist organization. The Shia are not going to train the Sunnis.

Think of it this way: Suppose some Shiite leader, like Muqtada al Sadr, held a press conference and said "The Southern Baptist Convention is sending missionaries to the Vatican to learn how to convert Muslims to Christianity." You would dismiss that out of hand as completely ridiculous right?

But McCain keeps making these mistakes. A more recent example: Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki, in an effort to prove that the Iraqi Army is ready to start toting their own water, sent forces to Basra to fight Sadr's Mahdi Army. The Iraqi Army performed poorly. In fact, several Iraqi officers refused to fight at all.

But the facts are that it was Maliki that worked with agents of the Iranian government to broker a cease fire that Sadr agreed to. Get that? Maliki went to Iran to get help brokering a cease fire on a conflict he started because his army couldn't defeat Sadr's. McCain got it (and continues to get it) completely wrong.

I have a real problem with people who pretend to understand the Middle East. They lump all these disparate groups together: Arabs, Muslims, Shia, Sunni, Iraqis, Iranians – they treat them as all one thing. They aren't and keeping them apart is simple enough if you take the time to learn it:

An Arab is someone of Arab decent. That is, it is an ethnicity, not a religion. In general, those in the Middle East are Arabs, but not entirely. There are Arab Jews, Arab Christians, Arab Muslims, Arab atheists and probably Arab Mormons (though I can't confirm that last one).

The Iranians, by the way, are not Arabs. They are Persians. There is a difference.

Islam is a religion practiced by Muslims in the same way that Christianity is a religion practiced by Christians. Confusing the terms makes you look ignorant.

Among Muslims, there are several divisions, but the largest group are the Sunni, followed by the Shia. I made a chart:

Speaking of dumb, a car thief in Canada was recently captured with the help of some Canadian gearheads using the internet. They thief went to a dealership and asked to test drive a Nissan Skyline GT-R. Then he disappeared. The car dealer didn't figure he'd ever see it again since most of the time these cars are chopped within hours. But it was an unusual car (a right-side drive model imported from Japan) and an unusual thief (he was missing his two middle fingers on his left hand).

However, the dealer had heard that a local web forum full of Canadian car enthusiasts had helped track down a hit-and-run driver last year. So, he posted the story at Beyond.ca. The next day, the forum moderator saw the car and took a photo of the driver. He posted the photo on the site and the floodgates opened.

Other people reported spotting him including one guy who found his home. Soon there was a Google Map posted on the site pinpointing his address. Not long after that, one of the forum members drove by and saw that car in the driveway. He boxed it in with his car and phoned both the police and the car dealer.

To add insult to injury, the car dealer videotaped the guy being arrested and posted it on YouTube. I love stories like this.

I've never been guilty of dragging a Lexan bottle full of water around with me all day. So, the recent debunking of the water myth left me with a smug sense of superiority. But, much like my assuredness that recycling doesn't really help anything or anyone (with the exception of recycling aluminum) it is one I don't think I'll declare too broadly. One never knows when these "facts" will get debunked again.

My head has healed up nicely. I've got a slight divot, which I hope will fill in with time, but I believe I'll make a complete recovery. On other fronts, Microsoft sent me a replacement Xbox. Evidently, they didn't even try to fix mine. I wondered why they were able to receive it that morning and ship it back out that afternoon. They just chucked it on the pile the the rest and sent me a fresh one.

During my Xbox's absense, I've been playing a lot of Wii golf. I've made it to the pro level now which, as far as I can tell, means nothing in terms of game play. I have never cared about golf as a sport or a videogame before the Wii. Oddly enough, when I was last at my local rental shop, I found myself reading the back of the Tiger Woods box. No, I didn't rent it. Yes, I might.

Max has been playing a game on his DS called "Duck Amuck," which is wonderful. It takes the premise from the old Chuck Jones cartoon of the same name. Daffy Duck appears on the bottom screen and Max uses the stylus to poke him and bedevil him through a series of minigames until Daffy gets angry enough to explode in a fit of rage. It's clever.

While at the store, I came across the Rock Band Stage Kit – an expansion for the videogame Rock Band that includes stage lights and smoke effects. It's due out in June (I think).

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed and Wii Fit. The first is a long-awaited self-produced game from Lucasarts that's supposed to cover the time between "Revenge of the Sith" and "A New Hope." The second is an accessory that is designed to help with balance, coordination and exercise.

All that being said, I was nice to get my Xbox back up and running. My buddy Greg noticed and sent me a voice message over the XBL network welcoming me back.

I recently picked up the first of a 3-part comic book miniseries by Joss Whedon (of "Buffy" fame). I have a co-worker who really liked "Buffy" and has me pick up the Buffy comics for her with my stack. When I saw that he was doing a "Firefly" mini, I told her about it. So now I'm picking that up for her as well.

When I told my local shopkeep about my desire to get the "Firefly" mini, he said he was surprised that he still had one of the first issues on the shelf. They were flying off because so many fans of the TV series were wanting not just one issue, but all the variant covers as well.

"When these comics first started coming out I didn't know what was going on," he told me. "People kept hassling me about getting more in and getting all the variants. I didn't care about these characters. I didn't know who any of them were. Then someone gave me the DVDs to watch."

Grant (the shopkeep) is much like myself in that people like to suggest things for us to read/watch/play. In fact, Dollie's BFF Laurie had given us the complete series of Firefly. It had been sitting on an end table for weeks.

When the series first came on Fox, I watched the first episode and wasn't all that moved by it. Then Fox moved it, showed it out of order and eventually canceled it. I kept hearing about this undercurrent of fans that were so loyal to the show. When the film "Serenity" came out, I saw it, but I didn't know enough about the characters to get all that excited about it.

Grant had a similar experience. People kept telling him to watch it. Eventually he did. Now he wants all the variant covers. When I told him I had the DVDs, but had yet to watch it, his eyes got big and he threatened me with harm if I didn't.

This evening, Dollie and I will watch the last show of the series. I'm actually quite sad about it. It was extremely smart and sophisticated television that blended a variety of styles: science fiction, western, drama and comedy. The characters are fun and well-developed, the dialogue is clever and the presentation is top knotch. I know I'm coming late to the party, but I'm looking for others to recommend this show to now.

Max has a birthday coming up. One of the things he mentioned wanting was a trip to "Build A Bear Workshop." When we were at the Galleria in Cool Springs the other week, we went in and took a gander. I pointed out the big logo on the floor.

So Max likes the idea of making his own stuffed animal, but is mortified of having anyone make a big deal out of it. Heh. As it stands, I believe the plan is to invite some friends over to play on the Wii. Max is going to turn 10 and, to be honest, it's freaking him out a little. He goes through this. Last year, he got weepy about turning nine. He also got weepy about moving up a grade in school. He's a sensitive little guy, which is why it's so fun to poke at him, I guess.

Last night in a fit of family freakin' fun, we pulled out the Monopoly set and played a round. We have the electronic banking edition, which I cannot recommend enough. It cuts down on bank fraud and you don't end up with scattered phoney bills around the house. I'm not a big fan, however, of the updated board locations. Monopoly is supposed to be about Atlantic City. Instead, we get "Wrigley Field" the "Grand Ole' Opry" and "Kennedy Space Center."

I appreciate they trying to make it more accessible to the next generation, but I liked it the old way and I've never been to Marvin Gardens. I couldn't tell you the significance of Vetnor Ave.

Where the updates make sense is with the odd properties. They replaced Water Works and the Electric Company with Celluar Phone and Internet services. They replaced all the railroads with airports. I can dig that.

For the record, I won the game. Also for the record, I don't really play to win. I concentrate on buying up sides of the board (usually the side between jail and free parking) in the mid-price range. These are easier to develop than more expensive properties. They also pay well when you consider the owners of more expensive land will be continually cash strapped or underdeveloped.

In general, I like to play board games. One thing I cannot stand, however, is elaborate die-rolling rituals. I play a lot of games that involve rolling dice. It pains me to see some of the players I deal with roll the bones because they have to go through various little quirks. If you want to really get on my nerves, take a long time to roll your dice and then do so with such violence and force that they either fall off the table or knock something over.

I've been walking around for the last week with a giant bandage on my scalp. It's a big beige adhesive bandage (this particular brand is Band-Aid, but that hasn't always been the case).

I was at my buddy Greg's house last weekend. In the room above his garage, the ceilings in the corners are slanted. I wanged my head really quite hard on one of those slanted ceilings.

So I've been walking around all week looking like a dork who just got back from the dermatologist and is waiting on the results of his screening. It has, however, given me the opportunity to show you the quality of the photos on my new phone.

The Democratic primary goes on. Here's an interesting twist, though. Leading up to the Texas and Ohio primaries, Rush Limbaugh was encouraging Republicans to change their party affiliations and vote for Clinton so that the race would continue.

That's not all that unheard of. I enjoy voting in the Republican primary whenever possible. But Tennessee has open primaries. Ohio does not. In fact, in Ohio, what Limbaugh was advocating is a 5th degree felony punishable by fines of up to $2,500 and up to a year in jail.

In Ohio, to switch parties, you must sign a declaration swearing to uphold the party's princples. To fake it constitutes electoral fraud.

In Montana, a mummified dinosaur was discovered. The remains still contain skin, muscle, footpads and posssibly organs. This is an incredibly rare and scientifically rich discovery. That being said, how cool would that movie be? Mummified dinosaurs coming up out of the ground and rampaging through Montana?

My buddy Badger would like to see a Western that involves dinosaurs (or aliens). Either way would be pretty amusing.

I make note of these discoveries (Dollie pointed this one out to me) because Max is interested in any dinosaur finds that pop up in the news.

What is "intentional and contumacious conduct?" I don't know either, but if you do it in court, the judge will lock you up.

It is a sad state of affairs indeed when the fact that a normal-sized woman is competing in a pageant is considered news.

Dollie also pointed me toward a story yesterday about a woman who was killed laying on the deck of a boat when a stingray jumped out of the water an onto her.

Dinosaur finds, unusual deaths and advancements in Star Trek technology. That's what makes my blog.

I've been watching "John Adams" on HBO. I'll withold judgment until I've seen it all. However, I do intend to see it all. The first two parts were very good. It was gritty and had that HBO-ish feel, like "Deadwood," "Carnivale," and "Rome."

I've also watched the first two episodes of "Miss Guided" a new sitcom on ABC. I like it because of the off-camera focus and the lead character had a bit part in "Arrested Development" as the executive assistant who got the bad boob job and couldn't stop flashing them at Michael.

I was glad to see that CBS's comedy schedule is back on track since the writer's strike ended. I got to see new episodes of "The Big Bang Theory," "How I Met Your Mother," "Two and a Half Men," and "The New Adventures of Old Christine" all of which are more-or-less entertaining. At this point, I'm so starved for new content that I'd have watched just about anything.

My Xbox 360 died. I turned it on a couple of days ago and got the dreaded Red Ring of Death. I used Dollie's laptop to research what could be done since my console's warranty was up in December. It turns out that Microsoft has extended the warranties for this issue for three years. So, they're going to fix it for free and pay for shipping both ways.

Provided, of course, that I put in an online request. I attempted it on Dollie's laptop. I filled in all the information, registered with Microsoft and got all the way to the part where you hit the submit button. The browser kicked back an error.

I attempted it again using the Mac laptop that Dolls brought home from the university. Repeated the process. it kicked back an error.

It dawned on my what the problem was. Dollie uses Firefox on the PC and Safari on the Mac. Microsoft wants the whole world to use their crappy Internet Explorer browser.

I went to my desktop and found my ancient copy of IE and fired it up.

"Welcome Back!" it said to me, rather than going to the homepage I programmed into it years ago. "Download the latest version!"

Nah. Just do whatever you have to do to get me my mailer so I can get back to playing Oblivion, please.

My kids were recently involved in a school fundraiser. They were selling cookie dough. Rozzy was very excited because she was under the impression that she was supposed to set up a booth and sell cookies. She kept asking when she was going to be able to have her cookie sale because she had to sell 20 cookies.

In truth, her goal was to sell 20 tubs of cookie dough because each child that sold 20 tubs would get a ride in a limo. Rozzy really wanted the limo ride for some reason. She kept talking about it over and over again.

The next morning, I took the kids to school. She mentioned the limo ride again and how she was going to sell 20 cookies because she wanted that limo ride. Just before we got to school, she asked the inevitable question.

"Papa, What's a limo?"

Spitzer's hooker update. Once the NYT identified Spitzer's favorite call girl, one Ashley Alexandra Dupre, it was only a matter of time before the offers started rolling in. Among them was a $1 million exclusive offer by Joe Francis, the entrepreneur who created the ever-so-tasteful "Girls Gone Wild" video series.

Ashley was ready to cash in. Then Francis discovered that Ashley had already appeared in a "Girls Gone Wild" video in 2003. So Francis rescinded the offer, figuring he'd hit on a mini-jackpot.

Now it appears that Ashley was only 17 in 2003, so Francis, who has recently got out of a Florida jail for videotaping underage girls and still faces federal charges for similar activities, is in trouble again.

Happy Easter

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